Saying you want change, and even wanting that change really, really badly, doesn’t just make the change happen.
Our brains are hardwired to crave the familiar, even if the familiar is unsafe. This means that your brain will automatically divert you back to patterns that you never intended to pick up on that were modeled to you long ago, simply because it is what feels recognizable in the moment.
You are the only thing that is able to make that change happen!
One of the sayings that has been most transformational for me is:
“We will repeat what we do not repair.”
What does this mean? It means that all of those difficult things about your childhood, or even adulthood, that you once said “I will never do this” become easy to find yourself cycling into without conscious and earnest repair. This could be you determining that you don’t want to be an aggressive parent towards your child because maybe you had one. This could be a personal goal of deciding to be sober and wanting to see yourself not pick up a drink ever again. It could even be as simple as “I will go to sleep early tonight because I am tired of scrolling on my phone until midnight. Being exhausted affects my parenting, my marriage, and how I show up at work.”
We have to repair. We have to actively fight the urge to return to behaviors, thoughts, and actions that we know so well, but want to forget and actually repair what is broken. It is the messy middle that you have to stick through. The part where you put the phone away at 9 pm, but you toss and turn for hours trying to feel tired at all, and you just want to pick it back up. That moment where your child triggers you in a familiar way and you have to physically hold your breath because it takes all that you have to remain calm. Your friends all get drinks, maybe even buy one for you, and suddenly you have to choose to step out of your social norm and say “no, thank you” to a group of people who may have never heard that from you before. When you choose the hard way, but the right way, time and time again, your brain will slowly learn to process this pattern of thinking as your new normal – what is now familiar to you:
- You not picking up a drink at a social event is natural to you.
- Pausing before exploding at a child who has frustrated you becomes your innate response.
- Your body actually adjusts to feeling tired at the appropriate time.
Remember that you are worthy of good things. Whatever “good” means to you, whatever you see when you close your eyes and envision the very best version of yourself, the happiness that comes alongside freedom from the cyclical, and maybe even generational, chains that have been holding back your spirit – that is attainable for you. Embrace both the change and the challenge, sit in that discomfort, dedicate yourself to the time it takes to learn new ways of being, and find a few safe people to walk with you through it. If your repair looks messy and imperfect at times, you’re doing it right. Give yourself grace, you’ve got this!
Courses on Boundaries, Heal from Codependency, Stewardship, and Rising Daughters are all available immediately for access to every active DYW member. Not only do you receive the self-paced video courses, but you get access to a monthly masterclass (including all the previous ones), bonus content, and email support with me.
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Now is the time to Discover Your Worth.
