THIS has changed everything.

A few months ago I got an urge to seek professional help for one of my children. I noticed the tools my husband and I were offering to help with regulation simply weren’t working anymore. I began to wonder if there was an underlying anxiety that needed some extra support.

It’s interesting now to think back on how this certain LMHC was brought to our family. Through a sequence of not so random events and people we knew in common, we connected and she got us into her schedule right away. What I love is how she serves the entire family system, which is why it was so important for her to see my husband and I first. I also appreciate that she loves the Lord and is well skilled at weaving in both psychological and biblical principles as she counsels.

It was during this first meeting that everything changed.

You see, I have been wrestling with God about the same heart issue. I have been pleading with Him to help me break free from an underlying spirit of criticism and control. For the past decade, I have worked hard on setting healthy boundaries, establishing good relationships, and pouring myself into being the best wife and mother I could be. But this one reoccurring theme kept coming up within myself. I couldn’t seem to shake it.

It is not something that is often visible to outsiders, but it is felt within myself and is a burden that grows heavy. I usually feel it build up inside, sometimes as rage, other times as complete exhaustion and despair. Some days I’d feel free and light, only to be thrown back in the pit the very next day. I didn’t understand why I had to face this same issue over and over again?

As I sat and talked with the therapist, I began to explain some of the behaviors that had caused me to seek outside help for my child, and for our family. And as I shared, I soon noticed I was describing myself:

• easily agitated
• excessive ordering/arranging
• craving predictability
• visions of injury
• repetition in thought or word
• hyper focused on how things “should” be
• working tirelessly to manufacture peace/quiet
• cognitive rigidity
• intrusive thoughts/worry

It was then that our therapist told us about OCD. My stomach sank, as I held back the tears.

The weeks that followed that first session were a bit of a blur. I went into a time of anger and grieving. I felt mad at God. I blamed my parents, and their parents. I was upset that I didn’t catch this sooner. I felt hurt to see my family hurt. I was disappointed and ashamed that this has to be a part of our story. My faith was challenged as our family worked to navigate this new reality. I lost a ton of sleep and did a lot of crying.

I then did some research (okay, a lot of research). Apparently OCD can serve in areas like this, allowing me to focus in manic episodes of productivity.

I came across perhaps the best definition I have found on what OCD is (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) by German psychiatrist Karl Westphal who defines it this way: “Obsessions are thoughts which come to the foreground of consciousness in spite of and contrary to the will of the patient, and which he is unable to suppress although he recognizes them as abnormal and not characteristic of himself.”

I would later learn that compulsions (the behaviors) then become the acts that are excessive, working to lessen the anxiety caused by the obsessive thought.

And while OCD can be both complex and debilitating for some, I recognize now that there are varying degrees of symptoms. Martin Luther once wrote on the mental agony of his own thoughts (that many today believe to be due to OCD) to be “so much like hell that no tongue could adequately express them, no pen could describe them, and no one who has not himself experienced them could not believe them.” He even used a German word anfechtungen meaning “terrible psychological assaults” to describe the nature of his condition (Luther’s Works. vol 27).

No one chooses to have OCD. The thoughts are intrusive, unwanted, and sometimes unfortunately, even inappropriate. The behaviors are repetitive, creating a vicious cycle. This is why the process can conjure up a ton of shame, and why some even suffer in silence. Yet while I didn’t choose this, it doesn’t mean I don’t have to now deal with it.

Once my emotions settled, I remembered our God and Romans 8:28. I know that He will work this out for good, and for a greater purpose. I felt a sense of hopeful expectation come over me; was this the missing piece to the puzzling heart condition I so desperately longed to overcome?

This past weekend my Pastor said something that really helped my perspective. He said, “maybe that thing you are up against isn’t happening TO YOU, it is happening FOR GOD?”

For God. For His glory. Oh wouldn’t that be a lovely thing?

This OCD thing at first felt like an uphill battle before us, but we have now taken the first few steps on the climb and it isn’t so scary after all. What has helped is looking back at the evidence of God’s hand in my life. The times He has showed up in BIG WAYS that seemed at first uncertain or unfair. He has done it before, He will do it again. I also know that this isn’t WHO I am. I am a child of God, and no diagnosis can change that.

So what now? Well, I continue to work with my new (amazing!) therapist. I will learn new tools and form new habits. I will continue to remain curious about why I do what I do, and when I do it, without judgment. I will rely on the Holy Spirit to continue to form me into Christlikeness. I will learn new ways to feel safe and secure that involve my surrender, instead of my control. I will welcome this opportunity to get to know myself a bit more. And more so, I will get to know God more, too.

This really has changed everything; how I view my controlling tendencies, the ways in which I manufacture safety, how Christians are to secure peace in a chaotic/ fallen world, and of course the ways in which I relate to God. It has stretched my faith and character immensely, and will continue to do so.

What I find interesting is that women are 3x more likely than men to have OCD, and 1 in 40 will develop it in their lifetime. While that doesn’t sound like a whole lot, I do believe many (many!) more women can relate to having similar avoidance behaviors or a deep bend towards control. (Especially in the post covid, post christian world we face today.) It is my hope that what I learn and incorporate, I can one day pass along to you.

I cry as I type this and reflect back to that initial nudge I felt when I first sought out extra help for our family. What had started as a search for freedom and healing for my child, turned into God revealing plans for my own freedom and healing, too. I love this point highlighted in Deuteronomy 7:9, which details that of our covenant keeping God is faithful through the generations. I am in awe of the work He is doing in and through me, work that I am confident will one day bless my children’s children. Thank you Jesus.

In other news, the holidays are quickly approaching, which means it is a great time to freshen up on your boundary work. My book Loyal to a Fault is on sale this week on Audible here. Or you can purchase a hard copy for you (or a friend!) below.

Have you ordered Loyal to a Fault yet? If not, grab a copy on sale today! And if you have, would you do me a favor? Take a quick moment to leave a review. Thank you in advance!