Here Are Tools To Support Sober Living (for others, and you!)

I recently shared on social media that it has been TEN years since I had my last drink or popped my last pill! Praise God! It is hard to even think back a decade ago to when I checked into a thirty day rehab program, only to spend Thanksgiving with a group of detoxing strangers that would quickly become good friends.

It has not always been an easy road, but it has been the good kind of hard. The kind where you just are so tired of yourself, that there haaaaas to be another way. And so you try it? And the next day, you try it again. Until you look back and see a new life that has been built, one more blessed and beyond your wildest imagination.

Since that day, I have had four children, went back to school to finish my bachelor’s degree, have started my master’s, published a book, built a home, and am starting my second book manuscript. I am a faithful and honest wife, a good friend, and a present mother. I no longer live in shame or worry. I no longer wonder what I said, or if I hurt or offended someone. I am clear and responsible, open to whatever the Lord has next for me. I truly believe none of this would have ever happened if I wasn’t sober.

I promised to some of you that I would share tips that have helped me along the way. I pray these help you, or someone you know who is trying to stay sober:

1. It isn’t enough to just stop. Many people who first get sober think that if they just stop using their drug of choice, that things will get better. And in most cases, they do. But it’s only a matter of time before some other dysfunctional coping skill takes shape. The truth is, drinking or numbing in any sort of fashion is simply a symptom to a much deeper issue. This is why getting a sponsor or attending AA or Celebrate Recovery meetings is so important early on. Healing can’t happen in isolation. Accountability is key, as is working through the steps. This will help you get to the root of the WHY behind your old behavior. You can search your area for local meetings.
   • To support someone in addiction, offer to attend a meeting with them, or ask them how their step working is going. You don’t have to understand entirely to extend compassion and encouragement.
2. Move your body. In recovery you will hear of “stinking thinking.” Many addicts have LOUD inner critics, fears, and thoughts. For me, I find getting into my body and moving consistently helps blood flow/energy, tames spiraling thoughts, and puts things back into a healthy perspective. Lately, I have enjoyed swimming laps, walking, or tennis.
   • One of the hardest things to navigate when you are first sober is the change in lifestyle as most things before revolved around social gatherings and drinking! If someone you know is newly sober, invite them to go for a walk, bike ride, or to do something active together. This helps them get moving, and reminds them know you still want to be in relationship with them outside of the “typical” social settings.
3. Prayer. This seems obvious, but many people who struggle inside addiction struggle with PRIDE. I didn’t want to admit this for the first few years, but I became so self sufficient that I had even shut God out. This same pattern came with me into other relationships and circumstances, too. I had to learn to lean on others who were sober longer than me. I had to learn to ask for help. I had to humble myself when I was tempted to believe I knew what was best for myself all the time. Prayer consistently invites the Holy Spirit back in as necessary guard rails for your day. It is time to connect with a God who wants to see you healed and free. It is a way to put Him back on His rightful throne, and keep you off it.
   • Ask a friend who is struggling how you can pray for them? It can be through a quick call or text.
4. Boundaries. What was hard for me in the beginning was accepting that some of my closest people weren’t going to get sober with me. This meant a season of grief– at times I didn’t feel supported. Other times I felt left out. In order to continue down this new path, I had to set up some healthy boundaries so that weren’t always understood by some.
   • Support others by encouraging them that the work they are doing to stay sober matters, and so do their new boundaries! Understand that there is a tension they are facing between their old and new life. Be patient, while also holding your own boundaries with any addict so that their behavior or choices don’t consume you. I share more A LOT about how to do this here.
5. Service. I mentioned before that addiction is full of prideful tendencies. It is also very self centered in nature. One of the ways I worked through only thinking about *myself* was by serving others. There was a season I volunteered with teen mothers, another season where I led a Bible study, or attended consistent beach clean ups. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, it just matters that it gets done. Serving others is balm for you and them and it keeps you out of your own way.
   • If someone you love is newly sober, invite them to meet you at a service opportunity. We should all be cultivating a culture of service, sober or not.

Lastly, I know it isn’t easy to love others who are in addiction or working to stay sober. I still long for closeness with people who may never go a day clean, and that is heartbreaking. But I do believe it is possible to maintain hope, all while holding healthy limits. This time of year can become especially difficult for those struggling with addiction; between the increase in holiday gatherings and pressures from more time with extended family or friends. If you haven’t already done so, grab yourself a copy of my book where I share personal stories and practical tools to help. And please email me if there is anyway I can be praying for you.