I spent years running from myself. Any discomfort I would numb. Not just with drugs + alcohol, but with chaos, men, shopping, distractions + taking care of others. I hated slowing down, I hated being alone, and I hated the idea of being unhappy.
I really believed numbing helped me live a more joyous, free life. What I didn’t realize then was that numbing is like an antibiotic. It kills off the bad AND the good.
I’m almost 7 years sober + no longer run from discomfort. However, I am still learning to let the happiness + joy in. I struggle with feelings of withdrawal, nothingness, or neutrality to this day.
From the outside it may come across as calm + peace. But inside, it can feel hollow. I don’t like it. It’s another form of self protection that really extinguishes out the deep experience of living this life. It’s a hard habit to break. I’m a work in progress, just like you.
I remind myself often that I am safe + able now to feel happiness + belonging. To feel proud + joy filled. To feel grateful + excited even.
I don’t have to role play disaster or loss. I don’t have to cling to chaos and destruction. I can face life, on life’s terms, without the pendulum swinging from one end to the other. I can find my center, my gray, my peace.
Can you relate?
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