I remember using sarcasm to get my point across. First with friends of mine, then with my husband, and later with my own children.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that my sarcasm was hurting my relationships. It was a habit that I had grown to rely upon to communicate. I would tell myself (and them) that I was only joking, but I could see the confusion and the hurt caused by my words– no one found anything I said funny.
I had to take a real hard look at myself and my heart. You see, what I was saying was flowing directly from there. Was I trying to be funny or hurtful? Why did I feel so insensitive to how they heard my words? What was causing me to take this approach, instead of another one that could be more effective and beneficial for my relationships? There was a lot to consider…
I grew up hearing sarcasm, although I can’t blame this conditioning alone. Somewhere along the way I began using sarcasm as a crutch myself. I didn’t want to face the hard issues in my relationships. I didn’t want to look at the problems head on. I didn’t want to have hard conversations. I didn’t want to do the intentional work of holding myself responsible for how I communicated. Over time, sarcasm slowly became the easy way out.
Unfortunately, there is a price to pay.
- Like having friends who are hurt and pulling away from me.
- Or a husband who feels disrespected.
- Or children who feel belittled and discouraged.
Sarcasm has a way of putting others down. Maybe at times it can be funny. But most of the time it is just unclear and snarky. It leaves others wondering “wait, what did she mean by that?” It is a way of saying one thing, while meaning another. To be honest, it’s cowardly and ineffective.
Who else is in the etymology or the history of a word? Let’s geek out for a moment…
“Sarcasm” can be traced back to the Greek verb “sarkazein,” which initially meant “to tear flesh like a dog.” “Sarkazein” eventually developed extended senses of “to bite one’s lips in rage,” “to gnash one’s teeth,” and eventually “to sneer.” “Sarkazein” led to the Greek noun “sarkasmos,” (“a sneering or hurtful remark”), iterations of which passed through French and Late Latin before arriving in English as “sarcasm” in the mid-16th century. Even today sarcasm is often described as sharp, cutting, or wounding, reminiscent of the original meaning of the Greek verb. (Merriam- Webster)
Makes total sense, if you ask me. Anytime I have used sarcasm, I can see the effects of it– my words quite literally wound them. And this isn’t what I want and is why I have chosen to ditch his habit for good. How?
First, by pausing. You see when you are quick to speak and slow to listen, you are more likely to say something you don’t mean (or default back to this habit). There is a reason we have two ears and one mouth. Training yourself to slow down and not respond right away will allow you time to think before you speak.
Next, I meditate on what scripture tells me. Proverbs 13:3 Amplified Bible (AMP) “The one who guards his mouth [thinking before he speaks] protects his life; The one who opens his lips wide [and chatters without thinking] comes to ruin.”
I want to protect my life and breathe life back into my relationships with my words. I want to encourage, edify, and build up those around me. But, it starts with controlling my tongue, which takes an intentional commitment.
Recently a woman messaged me on IG “I feel all I do is speak sarcastically, how do I start to change that?” To which I replied, “you just did! acknowledging it is half the battle.” I really believe this. Simply noticing your own behavior in your relationships is the beginning of changing those behaviors.
Finally, remember it takes time. I still don’t do it perfectly. Sometimes when I am not cautious, sarcasm slips from my mouth and I see the damage my words cause. Usually when I am tired and not diligent. This is why we have implemented a rule in our home of “no sarcasm,” and so if something sounds even slightly sarcastic, we call each other out. It helps hold us all accountable.
When you understand that sarcasm does more harm than good, you won’t want to use it anymore. Joking and light hearted moments are welcomed, but sarcasm is off limits.
Inside my new book Loyal to a Fault I share tools for you to learn new ways of connecting with others. You see, for many, sarcasm is rooted in communicating passive aggressively, which is something you may have modeled growing up. The good news is if you learned this skill, you can unlearn it! And inside the pages of LTAF I share with you how to do just that. When you learn to communicate effectively, your relationships will benefit, as will your self esteem.
Order “Loyal to a Fault”
How to Establish New Patterns When Loving Others Has Left you Hurting