I feared conflict and avoided it at all costs. The thought of someone being upset with me made me sick. I couldn’t decide on what to wear, where to go to dinner, and needed friend’s feedback to make decisions or approve of my choices. I didn’t trust myself and believed the more I worked to earn my place, the better I’d feel… but I didn’t.
I slowly began to not only lose myself, but fear myself. Being alone with my thoughts was scary. I’d scroll social media or call or text someone at any quiet moment. My calendar had to be booked up. I didn’t know how to slow down or just be with myself. I didn’t know rest.
My body began to shut down. I was losing my hair, my skin began to break out, my stomach in knots. I couldn’t sleep, had horrible back pains, and shingles outbreaks. The more I suffered, the more I worked to “give” of myself, and the more I hid + numbed my confusion. The vicious cycle continued.
I didn’t even know what codependency was. It sounded like a big term for someone else to deal with. I just thought I was caring, helpful, considerate? Wasn’t this what was expected of me?
Today I know better— I see codependency reveal itself in subtle ways if I’m not doing the work. It’s always an inside thing.
I really want to guide you more towards healing too if this sounds like you. Would a new free guide would interest you? Let me know!
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