How do you fully accept a friend when there are traits about them you can’t stand? Should you bend on what you need/want or push back?
Or what if they don’t value or prioritize what you do in life right now and that makes things hard? How do you know when to communicate a problem, or when to draw a line and create some much needed space?
These are questions I get asked a lot!
I wish there were one straight answer, but there isn’t. However I do have what I call a “litmus test” of sorts to help you discern the amount of effort and access you give to a relationship.
If you aren’t familiar, litmus tests date back to the early 1900s and were used by scientists to determine which compounds were more alkaline or acidic in nature. We can use this sort of idea to navigate and determine the quality of a new or existing relationship. Taking this step will allow you to decide the true character of someone else based on their words, behavior and actions. When someone shows us who they are, we have to believe them.
An easy way to apply this litmus test to a relationship is to ask yourself:
In what ways are they influencing me?
How do their priorities differ from mine right now?
To what degree do our values align?
Are they willing to work on some of their unhealthy patterns?
Something to consider as you walk through these questions is that those who have differing values or priorities than yours doesn’t make theirs wrong (or yours!). It just makes them different. We can choose to stay in relationship with those who differ, but we should consider the amount of energy, time and effort we are expectation we are pouring into that relationship.
Take for example my long time friend Bethany. Bethany has never valued being on time, and perhaps never will. This didn’t really matter when we first became friends and I was single, but it especially changed when I became a mother. Promptness to me now matters. You see, Bethany has a daughter in college, and works part time, so her time management looks different than mine.
Before using the litmus test, I would plan to meet Bethany for lunch, only to be annoyed when she ran late. I would wait on her to order my food, staring at my watch in irritation. And by the time she got there, I wasn’t in the mood to hang out anymore. I would many times leave in a rush, after scarfing down my food, only to internally blame her from my chaotic afternoon.
Was Bethany wrong? Or me? I don’t believe either of us were. In reality, we just have different priorities.
I have young children, so when we scheduled lunch dates together I typically was hiring a sitter or using a block of time when my children were at school to meet (which was limited). Bethany on the other hand had more flexibility in her schedule based on her current season in life.
I no longer blame Bethany. I instead ask myself these same hard questions around values, influence and priorities. I also take responsibility for how I was allowing her lateness to impact my day. Now, I choose to meet with Bethany less often. But when we do, I ensure I don’t have anything planned that afternoon. I also order my meal when I arrive, and excuse myself when I need to go, as opposed to rushing around frantic for the rest of the day. I don’t allow her tardiness to become mine.
I didn’t communicate this to her directly, however. This was in internal boundary I had to communicate with myself. Often these sorts of boundaries involve small choices you commit yourself to. I won’t be able to change Bethany, but now I no longer want to. Before, her behavior would offend me, but now I know it isn’t personal. Now when we meet, even if only for an hour, it is quality time spent. I am not ate up with annoyance or bitterness, and am better able to love Bethany for who she is, not for who I expect her to be.
Sometimes life offers up different seasons of values or priorities, and that’s okay. Working through this allowed me to honor and enjoy the incredibly enriching friendship we do have, despite these differences. Boundaries allowed for that!
Some seasons however will leave you less accommodating, which is worth noting and paying more attention to. These seasons can be difficult to navigate. I share more about this including examples and practical tools inside my book Loyal to a Fault.
The main take away here is this: it is possible to accept people for who they are, while also deciding to not morph or bend on what you need. You can value different things, while learning to enjoy the friendship you have through the safe constraints of boundaries. The tug-of-war can end when you choose to take wise steps towards healthy discernment and personal responsibility for your part in your relationships.
Order “Loyal to a Fault”
How to Establish New Patterns When Loving Others Has Left you Hurting