It hit me. Finally. Why I’ve been afraid to mother this entire time. Why I have been afraid to love or care or be responsible for something- from conception, to birth and beyond.
The obvious answer had always been I was afraid I’d screw her up. I was afraid I’d pass along the baggage and mess I’ve carried with me all these years; the mess that I’m working to unscramble and the baggage I’m learning to put down.
But no. That obvious answer isn’t it at all. I’ve been wrong this entire time.
I am always working to accept the broken, messy, hurt places inside. I emphasize the importance of accepting and sharing the pain and shame, in both my writing and in my lifestyle, as that is where I have always found the most healing and understanding. The most growth. But what about the lovely, creative, beautiful sides of me? What about the never dulled, vibrant and innocent spots?
THAT is what I’ve been missing.
You see, my daughter is good, perfect, untouched, innocent, unashamed, vulnerable, and available. She’s everything I’m learning to embrace and become.
And guess what? She is a part of me. I helped create her. She is ALL the good I have inside, ALL the good my Higher Power has, ALL the good this world offers-
SHE. IS. GOOD.
That’s what I’ve been afraid of. Not of messing her up or disappointing her or not showing up for her (although all of those are reoccurring and valid fears). Superseding all of those has been my unwillingness to accept that if she’s good, then I must be too, and THAT is a hard concept to swallow.
Up until now, I’ve only allowed myself to be responsible for acknowledging and diciphering through the mess. I’ve only pushed myself to look at the dark stuff, the stuff that has held me captive and quiet. But looking at and accepting the GOOD is a vital part of battling the shame voice inside that I’ve been so desperately missing.
So there it is.
I too, have innocent, unashaming, untouched pieces inside. I mean, look at HER? There’s the proof. And here I am. Accepting that YES, I helped create something beautiful; that I am partially responsible for creating someone curious and bright… not a mini of me- oh no, but a major of HER. A strong willed, independent, animal loving, book reading, dancing maniac that is amazingly good.
Take THAT shame.