I turned 36.
What would I tell me at 30?
I know you’re scared of living this life. I know you don’t trust yourself, or anyone else. You’re afraid, anxious + lost. You’re newly sober, and the idea of living life without numbing feels like a life not worth living at all.
But you will. You will live, and you will live well. You will learn to feel. You will no longer run from the messy web inside. You are brave. Not right now, but one day. You’ll learn the way, on the way. You’ll smile at the opportunity to expand, you’ll meet your past with compassion + tenderness. It won’t control you any longer.
You’ll go back to school + become a mama to four precious souls. Motherhood will crack your heart wide open, as it should. Not at first, no. You’re still so numb, without even trying. Numbness is a part of you, for a while. You’ll learn to feel again. Be patient. Let it in, drip by drip. Some days you’ll shut down, shut off, shy away. Too heavy. Needing a break. That’s okay. But most days, you lean in. Joy + grief come. Easy in, easy out.
You’ll long to be held, seen, understood. To hold, see, understand. This you will have. It will all come. Give it time.
You’ll learn to love + trust yourself, deeply, imperfectly. You’ll even learn to accept the you you once were. She got you here. Her, and all those experiences. You’ll no longer miss the chaos or dysfunction. You’ll build a life you’re proud of. Predictability + safety are now home. Gratitude.
Oh + remember: You don’t love that guy. You just love the chase, the high, the confusion. It’s familiar, and what is keeping you from yourself. Until it’s not. You’ll need to be alone for a while, but your husband is waiting. You will create the most beautiful family together, the one you always needed. God isn’t mad at you. Quit plucking your eye brows; Anastasia soft brown pencil is Queen. You aren’t missing out on anything so go to bed early. Read a lot and continue writing, because your words matter. People need to hear your story, YOU need to hear your story. You aren’t crazy. You are human. God has you, He always has. Happy Birthday, friend. Keep going 🤍