Connection Doesn’t Always Require Words

How was your summer?

We enjoyed some traveling and lots of pool time. Everyone is still adjusting to back to school and earlier bedtime/wake time routines, and I am slowly transitioning back to working more consistently in my home office with Slater our golden retriever. I just turned in my second book manuscript (more on that soon!) and have a few other side writing projects I am finalizing this Fall. I will be writing this (monthly) newsletter consistently again, and I will be Room Mom for my twins kindergarten class year which I am really excited about!

With my kids back in school and less time together through out the day, I have been wanting to be more intentional about the ways I bid for their connection. The most obvious way is asking them a bunch of random things like “how was your day? make any new friends? what did you have for lunch?”

But talking isn’t always the way into their worlds. Lately I have noticed that I want to react in two different ways when they don’t respond to my inquiries. From what I hear from other mom friends, this is common!

A) I take it personal. I make it about me. Why don’t they open up to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? Am I not doing enough?

B) I give up too soon, or pull away too. I move on to the next thing, or shut down inside.

Maybe you can relate. But neither of these reactions are beneficial in the long term. Connecting with our children takes intentionality and consistency. It also takes creativity. In this email I want to share with you 5 tips that have helped me connect with my children when they don’t want to talk.

1. Stay nearby without demanding conversation: Sit beside her, make a snack to share, go for a bike ride, fold laundry together. Connection doesn’t always require a conversation.
2. Keep pursuing her: Don’t let every interaction become a correction, lecture, or emotional check in. Talk about the things she loves. Laugh with her. Dance together. Sit on her bed and chill. Be interested in her, not just the things you think she needs to work on.
3. Don’t make it about you: Avoid “why don’t you tell me anything anymore?” Instead, remind her you are always there. Try “I will be in the kitchen if you want to come hang out with me and chop the salad.” Work through your personal triggers in prayer, with a trusted friend, or a professional therapist instead.
4. Offer a different way to communicate: Some kids will write down what they can’t say face to face. Try starting a journal and leave it on her bed for her to find after school. Take turns writing entries to establish open communication and relaxed dialogue. Cheap ones can be found at the dollar store or on Amazon!
5. Check your timing: A tired, hungry, overstimulated, or embarrassed tween may not have the capacity for a convo, even if she needs you. Pause for now, but don’t give up– try again later!

I am realizing as my children get older, that I have to make it a priority to pursue them; to learn about their interests, worries, needs, and the posture of their hearts. Remember, connection doesn’t happen on accident. Consider these ways you can connect and let me know how it goes.

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