I recently had lunch with a friend who is going through a divorce. She shared with me how her “boss babe” mentality damaged her marriage.
I left that lunch really thinking about what she said. Could it be true? Could the ideology and mindset women are being fed today… the one that says a woman must work to be independent and able to care for herself, be in the end harmful?
I have three young daughters and one son, and I began to consider this past Mother’s Day what legacy I hope I can leave behind for them. It is then that I realized I want them to know it is okay to rely on a spouse. That the notion of striving for INDEPENDENCE is not what it’s cracked up to be.
In Genesis, we learn of God’s design for mankind. He created the universe, divided the land from the sea, and produced vegetation, and it was good.
He then proceeded to create the stars in the sky, separated day from night, and creatures for the land and sea, and it too, was good.
Finally, He created Adam in his image and placed him in the garden to cultivate and guard it. But Adam wasn’t good (yet) because it wasn’t good for him to be alone. So God created Eve as a helpmate, from the rib of Adam.
It was good for Adam to need Eve. And Eve needed Adam, too.
This was part of God’s GOOD design. Then, and now.
And yet we see in today’s culture, an attack on this design. Women are being told that to be strong and successful, they essentially should do so without “needing a man.” She is fed the ideology that she must strive to build a career, purchase her own home, get that car, and put her money safe in the bank.
Then what?
Can I share with you something? I am turning 40 this year, and while I am capable of doing most things myself, I don’t want to.
I don’t want to live independently.
I don’t want to be self sufficient.
I don’t want to not need my husband.
And I don’t want him not needing me.
You see I love relying on him. I love that he is my best friend, and my soft place to land after a long day. I love that he is able to do things I can’t and I love watching him protect, provide for, and lead our family. And he needs me for things too! We support, compliment, and sharpen each other. We steward our lives, our children, and our homes together. This is a gift.
Sadly enough, I believe young boys are under attack too. If women are being raised into believing they don’t need a man, then boys are maturing into men who aren’t being needed. A woman’s lack of dependence essentially evolves into a man’s lack of dependability. I don’t know whether it’s the chicken or the egg, but the cycle perpetuates… it’s no wonder then why statistics show by year 2030, almost 50% of women ages 25-44 will be single and childless.
Sin is at the root of this problem, just like it was in the garden.
Adam was told by God in Genesis 2 “You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, 17 except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad. You must not eat the fruit of that tree; if you do, you will die the same day.”
It is unclear whether Adam shared that in totality and severity to Eve, or if Eve knew and yet chose to disobey God and her husband’s authority.
But what we do know is that self reliance caused the first (but not last) rupture in our relationships, and severed our ultimate dependence on God. Independence priorities self, while interdependence prioritizes what is best for the relationship.
As someone who has long struggled with codependency, I want to be clear here; by no means am I advocating for an unhealthy dependence on anyone. And I know for many of you reading this, you weren’t raised with parents who modeled a healthy, interdependent marriage. Perhaps you even saw your mom deeply hurt by a man, and that left you afraid and untrusting. I can relate! Yet living guarded from pain will also leave you guarded from the healing and sanctity that can be found inside a God honoring relationship.
When we choose to put God first, we can then commit to a healthy interdependence with our spouse next, and here we are best able to reflect God’s original design, which is good.
Independence is a slippery slope; one that eventually leans itself towards relationships that are disconnected, disrespectful and disordered. That is because independent thinking eventually turns to an idol-ship of self sufficiency, which was never a part of God’s plan. The more self reliant we become, the less we depend on God. And this shows up big time in our relationships here.
So what do we do?
Well first, I believe we have to confidently know what God says about who we are and why we were created in the first place. Do you know why you are here?
Secondly, I believe we have to deeply understand the role of marriage. Again, if someone asked you what marriage is meant to reflect, would you have a solid answer?
Finally, we have to be willing to go against the cultural norms. If you are raising young children, this won’t always be easy. A small place to start is simply by modeling to your children how you rely on your spouse, and that it is good to have a mutual, healthy and respectful dependence on each other. Another practical tip is to start praying for your child’s spouse now.
It is my hope that when I value my husband, and God’s plan for our marriage and family, that my children will one day too. Here we get to live out His purpose and bring Him glory in the process.
