Why All Your Caretaking May Be Getting In the Way of Connecting

I am a caretaker. It is my default. My comfort zone. A place I often hide behind and a role I quickly return to if feelings start to get confusing or weird. If quiet starts to settle in or the pace of the day begins to slow.

Becoming a mother catered to this comfort nicely. Find a mother, and you will naturally find her caretaking. She is busy. Her hands are full.

Clothes being cleaned, beds being made, butts being wiped, mouths being fed.

You get it.

Maybe for you too, caretaking is your go to. Not because you always want to be the one care taking, but because it’s what you know. Perhaps you learned to connect with family members (siblings or parents?) by taking care of them. It is where you found your love, your assurance, your belonging. If so, I can relate.

Problem is, caretaking is not the same as connecting.

In fact, as my children grow older, I am realizing that the very caretaking tendencies I lean into may be the very thing getting in the way of us connecting at all.

Take for example one evening not too long ago when I walked upstairs to say goodnight to my oldest daughter. She no longer needs me to help her shower, brush her teeth, or get tucked her into bed. And because these former caretaking responsibilities have dwindled, I at times can miss precious moments to connect. Instead, I can storm into her room, searching for things to be done, demanding that she hang her towel, put away her clothes, and tidy her vanity.

WHY?!

Because I am a caretaker and I at times expect her to be too. We don’t have time to lounge around, to connect, to rest… (see how sneaky unhealed parts of us from the past can sneak into the present? how easily we can project our problems onto our children? It is true that we will repeat what we don’t work on repairing.)

Now listen, this isn’t about being tidy. Yes, her towel should be hung. But the truth of the matter is (that I had a hard time admitting to myself and even to you now) is that I was NOT caretaking in that moment– I was clinging to control. I was searching for an opportunity to caretake because I felt ill equipped at connecting. And because of this, I lost an opportunity to do the very thing good relationships are built upon; slowing down, paying attention, listening. Instead this weakness of mine slowly bled out into a dividing, demanding, critical mom moment.

ugh.

A moment like this in the past would leave me feeling ashamed and stuck. I am thankful that I have learned to look at this as an option for growth. As I paced my daughters room that evening, I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to PAUSE. And while I didn’t respond right away, I was able to in the nights that followed.

In prayer, I realized that the caretaking role I was clinging to, first as a child in my family growing up, and then as a mom to four little kids, well it was no longer serving the relationships in my life. It was no longer serving my children, and it is no longer a role I need to feel safe, secure or loved. It was also not honoring God.

You see I grew up with others depending on me to caretake, and over time, I grew dependent on caretaking.

But now I long to connect with my daughter in ways that bond and strengthen our relationship, not in ways that sever it. She doesn’t need me to take care of her in the ways I use to, but she does need me to caretake in new ways, and connection will help make that possible. Together, we get to step into a new chapter. I also want to depend on the Lord alone for comfort, security and purpose.

“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically—to say no to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger yes burning inside.”
— Stephen R. Covey

If this is a pattern you too can identity in your own home, I pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal to you some pretty special nudges like He has for me.

And, as you wait and trust that He will guide your steps, I encourage you with one practical starting points–

1. Be Present Without Hovering

• Show genuine interest in her life without interrogating. Just being around and available creates opportunities for connection.
• Share casual moments—car rides, making dinner, folding laundry—when she may be more likely to open up.

2. Listen More Than You Talk

• Avoid jumping in with solutions or lectures. Let her speak, even if she rambles or says things that seem trivial.
• Validate her feelings, even if they seem over-the-top: “That sounds really frustrating,” instead of “It’s not a big deal.”

3. Respect Her Growing Independence

• Give her choices and a sense of control. This might be in what she wears, how she organizes her room, or what extracurriculars she explores.
• This one is hard for me as I have an opinion often about what she should do and how it should be done. But I am learning that my way isn’t always “the way” for her.

4. Find Shared Interests

• Discover activities you can genuinely enjoy together—whether it’s baking, hiking, watching shows, or a new bead kit she has wanted to do.
• Ask her to teach you something she likes—like a video game or TikTok trend. My daughter and I recently learned to choreography to one of her favorite dances. It shows you value her world.

5. Keep It Light (Sometimes)

• Humor, fun, and play aren’t just for little kids. Inside jokes and silly moments build trust. It also shows her that you don’t just love her, you LIKE her. And girls need to feel liked before they will connect.
• Shared laughter can be more powerful than a serious talk and can lead to deeper conversations over time!

6. Create Simple Rituals

• Weekly “just us” time—even 20 minutes—is powerful. It could be a Saturday morning walk or a bedtime chat.
• Rituals offer predictable, low-pressure opportunities for connection.
• I recently shared on social media how I began greeting one of my daughters with the same anticipation and enthusiasm my dog does when she returns home. Something this sweet and special can have a major impact!

I hope some of this has encouraged you. If so, would you consider forwarding it to a friend who it might benefit from it as well? Also, I have a big announcement coming up soon! So stay tuned!