Codependency is a learned skill; one you needed perhaps as a child, but not anymore. Back then it manufactured a sense of safety and love or connection that you felt was unavailable otherwise.
But here’s the deal. You can’t think your way out of this pattern of behavior, you must practice your way out. Often, this means replacing codependent tendencies with new, healthier coping skills.
Try these instead:
Learn to seek validation from people who can actually give it to you. A common trait for someone active in codependency is returning to people that can’t give you the support, encouragement or validation you need. Here you find yourself tethered to their reactions, living resentful or disappointed often. Take inventory on your “safe” relationships. I have a post on this if you want to refer back for more guidance.
No longer attach to the outcomes. Codependency gains momentum by attaching itself to outcomes. What I mean is, you people please or perform because you believe it gives you a sense of control over how things will turn out. When you relinquish control over outcomes, you instead place emphasis and energy on regaining self trust. Internally you know that no matter what happens, you will be okay. This takes practice!
Remember that you are not created to keep them happy. This isn’t your job. I know, it is a hard pill to swallow. Why? because if you have lived as a codependent within your relationships for years, you will now have to let go of that role and do the work to discover who you are. But let me encourage you, this can be fun and exciting. Learning what you like/dislike, what you need, what matters to you can be a journey of self discovery if you let it be. Give yourself lots of time, patience and grace.
Reassure yourself that codependency isn’t who you are. Many of the women I work with inside Discover Your Worth realize that codependency isn’t WHO they are, but rather it is what they needed to feel safe, loved and accepted. When you can truly remember that it is a learned trait, it is then when you can allow yourself the time and process to unlearn it without shame.
If you want more support while you Heal from Codependency, check out my course inside DYW.
