I chased guys that were emotionally unavailable. I was drawn to friendships that required I play the role of fixer, saver, advisor. I never could speak up without either crumbling or lashing out. I had no sense of peace, no understanding of the wounds I carried, no clue they directed a majority of my life. I worked hard to keep relationships that kept me feeling unseen, unheard, unsafe.
About a year into this work I saw my part in my pain. Time + time again I would search for people to remind me of my deep longing of familiarity. Here I was content + comfortable in my own misery. Here I could continue playing angry victim. Here I didn’t have to look inward.
I was drowning in anxiety, depression and addiction and I didn’t know why. The more I desperately worked to heal + help those around me, the more I delayed my own.
Today I am a self proclaimed student of observation. I strive to be curious. To witness life as feedback. The times I feel as if I can’t breathe have lessened. The times I feel as though I can not show up just as I am, have decreased. I can reclaim my power, my worth, my purpose whenever I choose.