I never kept promises to myself. I never knew what I wanted in a partner, in a career, for lunch. I did whatever everyone else wanted. I people pleased until it hurt, and then I did it again. I knew no other way to live. I believed in sacrificing myself for the betterment of others because my role was always giver, fixer, achiever, perfect do-er.
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My body slowly started to reveal this inner suffering. I had severe panic attacks, painful shingles outbreaks, I couldn’t sleep + was years deep into heavy addiction as a way to cope. I now know our bodies keep the score. These external symptoms were communicating an internal wound(s).
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On the outside I masked my inner war well, until I could no longer. My reality caught up to me when my new husband found me at my worst.
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My first month out of rehab I continued journaling, talking to a God I had long forgotten, and I began inner child work. Part of that process was reparenting. I thought it was silly, until I started feeling better. This better feeling wasn’t the one I was accustomed to; it didn’t wear off + it didn’t get me into trouble + it didn’t hurt others. It was then that I knew I was on the path to forever freedom.
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This tool is a foundation of the woman I am today. Without it, I imagine, I would of been in jail, divorced, dead or worse… living in the constant cycle of abandoning + running from myself, my needs + my feelings. There is nothing more painful than a life not authentically lived. I am no longer a shell. I am a whole being. Mess + beauty.
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I’m working on a reparenting blog post for those of you who are looking to begin. Be sure to sign up under the “subscribe” link in my bio. I’m also thinking about hosting a zoom meeting for those of you parents looking to break generation cycles. If you’re interested in that let me know in the comments below 👇🏼
