I never kept promises to myself. I never knew what I wanted in a partner, in a career, for lunch. I did whatever everyone else wanted. I people pleased until it hurt, and then I did it again. I knew no other way to live. I believed in sacrificing myself for the betterment of others because my role was always giver, fixer, achiever, perfect do-er.
My body slowly started to reveal this inner suffering. I had severe panic attacks, painful shingles outbreaks, I couldn’t sleep + was years deep into heavy addiction as a way to cope. I now know our bodies keep the score. These external symptoms were communicating an internal wound(s).
On the outside I masked my inner war well, until I could no longer. My reality caught up to me when my new husband found me at my worst. Just months after we exchanged vows, I laid curled up in bed with a mug of whiskey, the blinds pulled shut.
My first month out of rehab I continued journaling, talking to the God I had long forgotten, and I began inner child work. Part of that process was reparenting. I thought it was silly, until I started feeling better. This better feeling wasn’t the one I was accustomed to; it didn’t wear off + it didn’t get me into trouble + it didn’t hurt others. It was then that I knew I was on the path to forever freedom.
This tool is a foundation of the woman I am today. Without it, I imagine, I would of been in jail, divorced, dead or worse… living in the constant cycle of abandoning + running from myself, my needs + my feelings. There is nothing more painful than a life not authentically lived. I am no longer a shell. I am a whole being. Mess + beauty.
One of the first suggestions I ask clients to do is write a letter to their parent or caregiver, and not send it. Often we blanket over painful periods of our past, we label it as “normal” or “they did the best they could.” Yes, maybe so. And yes, maybe you still Harbour some pain, sadness, anger. This will erode you, your relationships, and will show up in the most inconvenient ways over time. The letter, and inner child work, can set you free. I have some resources in my bio link.
Have you began inner child work? 👇🏼