Is Good Grief Possible?

Blessed are those who mourn, but why don’t we feel blessed?

Recently, I shared on social media a situation I had with someone close to me. They did something they said they wouldn’t do, and well, it hurt. I didn’t realize it hurt, however. I thought I was fine. I went about my day as normal, until something began to shift inside me.

I grew critical of my husband and children.

I began to micromanage the mood’s of our household.

I started complaining about the weather and other insignificant things.

My chest grew anxious and heavy. And I had no idea why.

I decided to go for a walk on the beach. Here in South Florida, it is not uncommon to search for hours along the shore line for treasures such as shark teeth or sea glass that has washed ashore. I don’t get there as much as I would like, but it is definitely a place where I can slow down, gather my thoughts, and spend time with the Lord. While there I am often reminded of the beauty and mystery of our Creator.

“Lord, what is this?” I asked, as I rummaged through the pile of shells and seaweed. I invited the Holy Spirit in to rummage through me too.

I will say, that there have been many times that I have asked the Lord for clarity and didn’t receive it right away. But on this day, I did.

I have friends who hear from God through visions. Sometimes dreams, signs, or something they see. Others have told me they just get this strong feeling that propels them forward or away. A few close friends say they often get messages through the physical world; like with an object or other person. But for me, I have found that God speaks into my heart with a deep knowing. It is like a strong nudge or specific word that downloads into my being both suddenly and usually, repeatedly.

It is important to note that God never contradicts His word. Anytime I receive what I believe is something directly from the Lord, I confirm it in scripture first. I continue to pray, while also potentially confirming it with wise counsel or fasting. Since God is never in a hurry, I try not to be either.

Back to the beach. There I was, bent over running my fingers through the shells, when BAM… the world GRIEF hit me.

Grief? Grief? Is that what this is?

Oh my goodness… I am grieving. “Thank you Lord” I said, as I both smiled and wept.

I didn’t find any shark teeth that day, but I found something better; God lit up the next step on a new path towards freedom. And if I am being honest, it is a path I wouldn’t have chosen for myself, if it were up to me.

I have spent a majority of my life performing, pretending, and people pleasing. Most of my energy was put towards managing the health and healing of others, at my own expense. I would run from any tension or uncomfortable feeling. On the outside, I had it all together, but on the inside I was crumbling (you can read more about why I started this journey here). Then, by the grace of God, emerged a chapter where I was led to set down these coping skills, begin setting boundaries, and heal from codependency (I unpack this process in Loyal to a Fault).

Today, a new chapter emerges. I see now that beneath the surface, there is still some healing that needs to be done.

Recently on social media, women bravely shared the grief that they are experiencing:

• a divorce
• a miscarriage
• a dear pet that had just died
• the loss of a mom, while being a mom
• never reconciling with an addicted family member
• navigating an adoption
• a child’s hearing loss
• being pregnant and having no relationship with parents
• losing a parent to cancer
• loss of time with girlfriends as a now single mom
• unmarried and unable to bear children

So many delicate, intimate, deep, heartbreaking situations, and experiences were shared. I am beginning to understand that grief is very common for us all, whether it be in childhood navigating the “tween” years into young adulthood, graduating high school and moving on to college, losing family or friends, unexplained trauma, or suffering from an illness, it’s there. It exists. And yet, what is uncommon is knowing how to grieve well.

Scripture does not say “blessed are those who mourn and stay busy,” nor does it say “blessed are those who mourn and try to control, stay angry, criticize, retreat, or hide.” It says blessed are those who mourn, for they will receive comfort.

In Matthew, the text describes mourning that should occur when we sin or when we are sinned against. It requires a process of noticing the hurt and brokenness, and mourning in response; because this world, these relationships, our bodies and all the pain– well this isn’t the way it was suppose to be. It requires slowing down long enough to feel the feeling beneath the surface, and letting God get to the root of it. It requires we repent for our own wrong doings when we don’t grieve, and choosing to take God’s hand, asking Him “Lord, what is this?” and letting Him lead you into an everlasting comfort that only He can provide.

• What I am listening to this week: Raising Boys & Girls podcast featuring Anne Lamott
• What I am reading this week: Cultural Engagement: A Crash Course in Contemporary Issues
• A favorite of mine recently: LMNT zero sugar electrolytes