Many of the women I work with in DYW are former people pleasers. One clear symptom of people pleasing is over explaining yourself. This is a habit I slowly help to walk them through breaking. Why? Because over explaining yourself reinforces the lack of self worth and confidence we are working so hard to re establish.
What does over explaining yourself sound like when it comes to setting limits?
“I can’t make it to dinner tonight because I told my husband I would hang at home with him and watch the football game, we haven’t had a lot of time together and I was hoping I could make it out with you, but I just really need to stay in, okay?”
Instead of “I can’t make it tonight, hope you have a good time!”
“I know you need to borrow the money, but I can’t let you, I already am spread thin this month buying cleats for my daughter and paying for a dental bill that we owe from last month.”
Instead of “I am not able to lend you any money.”
“I really wish I was able to pick her up for you from the airport, but its so late and I won’t be getting out of work until 5, then I have to drop the kids off at grandmas for dinner and get the house ready for the family reunion.”
“I won’t be able to pick her up, but I can help pay for an uber.”
At the heart of over explaining is often a need to be accepted. But what this really says is “I fear you won’t accept my boundary, so let me over explain it for you in hopes that you will.”
Remember, others will take your boundary serious when you do.
If you tend to over explain yourself, I want to challenge you this week to try and keep your limits simple and to the point. Let me know how it goes?
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Now is the time to Discover Your Worth.